The Gig

Summary: Or: How I learned to stop worrying and became Vigified.

"Oh, look who's finally awake!"

My eyes couldn't open. They were glued shut or something, I can't really tell.

When I tried to breathe in I vomited all over myself - it wasn't even warm.

It's cold. So very cold. Everything around me is cold. I'm submerged... in... something? Mud? Feels like mud. I can't feel my hands... or my feet... or my legs, really.

I don't know what's happening.

Am... am I dead?

"No, you're not dead you stupid beansprout!"

I wanted to respond but when I tried to open my mouth only a vague groan came out, and my entire body shook.

I... I'm so very cold.

"But you're gonna be if we don't do something about this mess right the fuck now! No- no you stupid little idiot, wake the fuck up! No going back to sleep!"

But it's so cold, I'm so tired...

"If you go to sleep I swear I'll go find your soul in hell and shit on it you underdeveloped bitch!"

That actually jolted me awake somewhat.

I'm... not dead..? I feel like it though.

"Death doesn't hurt. Trust me, I've been dead twice."

Huh. Well, if you say so. Maybe I should just die then.

"It's boring as balls, and I've only been dead for like a couple hours each time. Ok, so, since you're such a worthless shitcake, you're obviously not gonna get out of this on your own. Well, that's where I come in. I can get you out of this, and all you need to do is just accept a little bit of my help..."

Huh.

What do you need, Marlboro Man?

"Fuck you my voice is not that raspy, and besides, it's your fault anyway since you haven't drank anything for hours. I'm thirsty!" he whined. "If you call me a whiner again I swear I'm retracting my offer."

No, no please, help!

"That's more like it. Okay, kid... we're getting out of here, and maybe, with some luck, we'll even make it to a place you can rest..."

I felt electricity jolt through my muscles and my world faded.

The slap brought me to full awarenes faster than I can even contemplate.

"What the hell..." I murmured to myself.

A nightmare?

"It wasn't a dream, numbskull. Look sharp!"

I could feel my face twisting into a frown as I looked around. Where the hell am I? It's some... dirty alley somewhere.

"It is. I don't know where you live so I just brought you to some out of the way place where we can chill and you can use my awesome badass powers to heal yourself to some degree of stability. Well, by that I mean I did the heavy lifting. How are you feeling?"

I'm... actually pretty ok, all things considered. What the hell happened?

"Ok so when I came in you were trapped in a metal box full of shit, piss, vomit, most of those yours mind you, and what I think is menstrual blood. I'm not really sure on account of not having a vagina and your world having a different technology level to mine."

Oh shit the locker... They- they-

"Oooh, whoa there, your mind's starting to spin. Sit down, calm the fuck down and think for a moment. There's nobody here but you and me, and I've already been through your memories, you don't need to tell me about it."

I shivered.

Who... who is this man?

"Me? Well, it doesn't really matter. For now, though, you can call me Partner. If you're not as useless as you look and can prove yourself, maybe I'll give you the honor of knowing the name of the awesomeness that is me. And you can start by looking for some food. I'm starving, and that means you're starving too."

My tummy growled, almost as if on cue.

I don't have any money so... We'll have to-

"Just steal some shit. I'll even give you a tiny little shred of my power to do it with."

I can't steal things that I want just like that! That's bad! And wrong! And- And-

The voice seemed amused. "I can see your thoughts kid. You're more worried about getting caught. Don't come to me with your nonsense morality shit. Just let that little bit of my power in, it'll change your hair color, and as for getting caught because of your clothes... You're fucking naked kid."

The shriek that came out of me seems to have hurt him somewhat. For that, I am proud. For how badly I overreacted...

Well, it took a few minutes to calm down.

I'll admit, as sad as it is, I'm glad he actually burned my clothes off when he saved me from the locker. There's no way in hell I wanna be wearing any of that any time ever.

Fortunately, the voice in my head can manifest clothes. A pair of black jeans and a gray button up, with sensible loafers, was all I needed. No socks or underwear, as apparently he didn't wear either of those and as such didn't know how to make them. Something to work on later, I suppose.

I looked into a shard of broken mirror. There's two blue squares on my cheeks, my eyes are an icy blue color and my hair is a long gray curtain behind me.

I'm surprised he actually cleaned my hair as well, let alone done this good a job with it, but apparently he pays more attention to physical appearance than he'd like to admit.

Either way, I know what I have to do. It's... actually surprisingly easy to find a drug dealer's den in the docks, where I was taken to recover. Mostly because they know the police doesn't come around these places to patrol so they're out in the open. Not like anybody cares, this neighborhood seems to be primarily junkies, addicts to one drug or another... or people too jaded to care.

I took a deep breath and kicked at the door. My attempt to be a badass that kicks the door down failed utterly as my stick thin leg just went right through it.

Thank you for the sturdy jeans, voice, the last thing I need is fucking splinters.

An awkward few moments later, I pulled my leg out.

"Kick close to the handle instead," the voice instructed me, clearly amused. "Even with just a little shred of my power you should be more than strong enough to break it to pieces."

I took another deep breath and did as instructed. Part of the wall shattered from the sheer force. Maybe I kicked a tad too hard.

The people within were already armed and pointing their guns at me.

The first bullet hit me in the chest and stung slightly.

The second hit me in the eye and felt like I had dirt in it. "Aw, shit, that really stings!" I shouted, because it really did! "Stop that!"

They did not stop until they were empty.

Fortunately, my clothes are indestructible, apparently. "Ok, enough now? Just give me all your money and I'll go."

They scrambled, one grabbed a pipe, another was reloading.

This would be a long, long night, wouldn't it?

The third challenger was done.

I sat down and patted my belly, full for the first time.

"Oh man, I didn't even know I could eat this much in a year," I said, as a burp extracted itself from me. Unfortunately, as I am obviously a cape, no free burgers from finishing the challengers. "That was some good stuff," I said, getting up and stretching. I don't know etiquette in this kind of place, maybe I should just leave it there?

"Nobody's gonna stop you," the voice said. "Ok, now that you've recovered and have eaten... we need to talk."

We did.

I'm looking forward to learning a little bit more about just what the fuck is going on, now that my immediate needs are met.

Like... who is this, and did every cape have a voice in their heads?

"Well, since you were such a good kid and listened to my advice, let me introduce you to the ender of life, the reaper of innocents, the harvester of sorrow, the great and only, Master of Death! But hell, you can just call me Vig. Nice to meet ya."

"Vigilance," Kaiser acknowledged.

Ok so it turns out trying to join the heroes was a bust.

Vig was against it from the start, citing how he himself was totally the cool solo loner type who takes care of business on his own, nevermind how useless he was without my body to use his powers through, but, well...

Things went to shit when I put Sophia through that wall. And when I beat up Aegis. And Gallant. And okay so maybe I fought the entire Wards team at one point or another.

And the Protectorate when they came to back them up.

And maybe I may or may not have broken a couple of buildings.

It's their fault, though! It's not my fault that they wanted to protect Sophia from the consequences of her own actions! I'm totally justified.

Vig snorted.

Shut up you disembodied jerk!

He snorted again.

"Ahem, if you're done with your internal monologue..?" Kaiser said, raising an eyebrow.

I swear the villains are all catty as fuck. Seriously, if I have to deal with Tattletale's bullshit today, I might just snap and let Vig eat them.

"Ok, as some of you know, we currently have the problem of an insane bomb Tinker that's loose in our city, because SOMEONE," he at least had the decency to be somewhat subtle, "brought her to the city and then failed to control her."

Lung glared at him.

"I miss the stupid cow," Vig said all of a sudden. "At least she'd ask for explanations so you'd be forced to stop beating around the bush."

Kaiser grimaced.

Vig's voice was coming out now, and he was more annoying than ever because of it. Fortunately we could still talk to each other through my mind.

"Therefore, I've called everyone here to propose a ceasefire, for the time being, while we take care of business. However, some important information must be shared. Coil, I'm told you had information for us?"

A stick thin man who I'm sure is just noodles poured into an uniform leans forward and places a folder on the table, which he opens to images of autopsies.

That's some gnarly shit.

"That's some gnarly shit," Vig voiced.

"Indeed," Coil agreed. "This is the end result of autopsies performed on Bakuda's servants. As you can see, they all have bombs implanted on their heads, many of which are tinkertech and produce exotic effects."

I took a bite off a fry.

"I have contracted the services of the Undersiders, based on their-"

There was a whole lot of stuff I won't bother with. Vig is paying attention, while pretending he isn't, and he'll fill me in on the important details. I have other interests. Namely, I'm looking over the major groups of villains in this city.

The head table seats myself, and in clockwise order, Faultline, Coil, Lung, Kaiser and Grue of the Undersiders. Of those, only some could be considered major, namely Lung and Kaiser.

Minor players though they might be as far as I know, everyone else has their roles to play. They've all cooperated to keep this city as the hellhole it is, one way or another.

Even myself, now.

What would mom think, I wonder?

I can almost hear her.

"Taylor, if they're getting back up, you're not hitting them hard enough," she had told me, when I beat up the boys that were picking on Emma that one time, pulling on her pigtails.

Dad had been laughing too hard about the boys' moms getting beat up by mom to actually chastise me like he was supposed to.

Stupid rich idiots.

Hm...

"Okay so, summarized, Bakuda's got some sort of device on her that's not on her hands or easily visible. My best guess is one of her feet," Tattletale, from behind Grue, informed everyone.

"Toe rings, I'd guess," Faultline said. "Easy to conceal. Wouldn't be shocking for a Tinker to make a wireless device that small."

Tattletale frowned.

I focused on Grue. Was he really the leader of the Undersiders? Even if he was the one seated, it seemed like Tattletale was leading him by the nose.

Then again, I'm told she's a pretty high ranked Thinker, so what can you do.

"Kid. Kid wake up!"

Oh, I fell asleep?

Kind of sad actually. Then again, I barely sleep enough these days. Thanks for that, Vig, you and your bad habits.

"I didn't know which foot she had the device on, so I chopped off both just in case," I said, juggling the black scythe that Vig had made for me with his power.

Unlike most of his constructs, this one was permanent and couldn't be easily shifted into another shape by me. He could, but unless I was willing to let him have permanent partial control of my body, which I'm not, it's as far as I'm getting.

Look, he might be my partner in crime and a very good friend over the time we've spent together, but I'm just not letting a guy have so much control of my body. Besides, even when I give him temporary total control, he always goes out of control, for lack of a better term.

I did NOT want to learn that Glory Girl is bisexual, thank you very much!

"And her face?"

"They said she had an HUD on her mask and we're not supposed to take those off, right? So I decided she'd be better off unrecognizable than unmasked. Protects her family and shit, I guess."

Vig laughed out loud. "Totally not because she called you ugly!"

Miss Militia grimaced. "This degree of brutality is-"

"Oh, can it," Vig said. "I'm the Master of Death, woman. You think I can't see all the death you caused?"

Oh. Ooooh. Miss Militia is a killer?

"Oh hells yeah she is, kid. In fact, she's got the biggest body count in this city!"

"That's- That's enou-"

"Oooh, scary, are you gonna shoot me? Shoot my disembodied fine white ass," he said, "it's not gonna do jack shit. Your guns won't save you from the spooky grim reaper ghost!"

"Vig, ok, the joke's going too far now, alright? I'm sure Miss Militia would rather not have to deal with people who think you're being serious right now," I said, placatingly.

"Ok fine, but you owe me some lasagna for this," he said within my mind.

Safe, at least.

"Sorry, he gets bad with authority," I said. "Really doesn't like how hypocritical some authority figures tend to be, you know?"

Neither do I. I just think he was going too far.

Miss Militia cleared her throat. "Yes, I understand."

I'm pretty sure she wishes she wasn't standing here now. "Ok, so, where do I go for my reward? Or is that just a hero only thing? You know, like attempting to murder teenagers and getting away with it. Or blatant and flagrant abuse of power. Or-"

"I get it," she said, raising a hand. "And I told you that investigation would've been much easier if you'd been willing to testify and-"

I rolled my eyes.

"Just give us the money before I have to eat shitty store bought Lasagna, woman!" Vig chimed in.

Leviathan is... not as big as I imagined it would be.

But it's a whole lot stronger than I thought it would be.

Like, it's "knocked me into space" kind of strong.

On the plus side, I know now that Vig can help me survive in space. And that we can fly in a vaccuum really, really fucking fast.

"Ok, I'm back, did I miss anything important?"

"Alexandria just fucking died!" someone screamed.

"Nah she's ok just drowned," Vig said. "Trust me I would be fucking celebrating if that cunt was dead."

Apparently Alexandria rubbed him off REALLY wrong. Something about multi-souled old cunts with massive tits. I'm not entirely sure what.

As if to make a point, Leviathan popped out from behind a building and dive-bombed me.

I would have dodged, but I was very busy being hit by him.

It hurt like a bitch.

Then he picked me up from the crater and threw me through a building. That hurt more.

As if to add insult to injury, he formed a giant hand out of water and bitch slapped me into the air. Then he did a perfect spike to knock me down again.

This is getting ridiculous!

"Okay, I'm done, I'm done with your shit, I'm done with their shit, and now, I'm gonna wreck it!" I screamed as I righted myself in the air.

Vig.

Let's fucking do this.

"Oh shit yeah, TIME FOR MAX VIGIFY, MOTHERFUCKER!"

There was one electrifying moment where I felt his power running through my veins.

And then the entirety of my existence was on fire as powers that mortals were never meant to possess washed over me.

"Call me lawnmower, motherfucker, because your ass is grass!" I screamed as I wreathed my scythe in the pure power of Death himself.

Armsmaster put his hands on his hips and admired his hard work.

I can't lie.

It looks pretty good.

"I'm gonna miss you partner," I said, as I used one finger to wipe a tear from my face even as I put my old scythe on the statue of the man who had saved us all from the maddened golden man. As per his wishes, it would play his badass theme song whenever anyone approached it.

It's been a year, and I'm visiting his grave.

It's... weird to not have a voice with me everywhere I go. I've become used to his colorful commentary. Why, it's almost as if I can hear him-

"Ok kid why the fuck are you crying," someone said, as a familiar face approached me. "I told you already, Death is only a minor inconvenience for Death himself!"

I punched him in the face. "You jerk!"

I may or may not have broken a rib with that hug. But it's alright. He deserves it for making me think he was dead for good!

"Come on, I wanna take you to meet the other kid I looked after. I'm betting you two are gonna become good friends!"

I'm feeling like I might go back and beat Soul Nomad again.

Maybe when I do I'll write a version of this story with Devourlord Revya as the partner instead. Lots and lots of cannibalism jokes on that one.

Maybe.