Prior Abandonment

Summary: Taylor always felt like she had been the one who murdered her mother, and that it wasn't the first time.

I remember her face.

She was smiling, as I recall.

She was happy, as I recall.

She was joyful, even as life escaped her.

And I could not understand why.

Even as both myself and her were covered in blood, as she ceased and I continued, she smiled.

Why?

Why does my mother smile through her pain as she dies?

"I'm sorry... you shouldn't be put through this," she mutters, and I feel sleepy. "I love you, my daughter... never forget... no matter what happens..."

"That dream again, huh?"

Lisa's voice brings me to full wakefulness in an instant.

She's no psychologist, but her power does give her a leg up on understanding others, although usually her power leads her to digging at their wounds, picking at their scabs and pulling at the stitches. I guess I'm happy I rate enough as a friend that she at least tries to figure me out to help, not further sink me.

"Yeah," I muttered.

I don't know why I keep dreaming that dream. I don't remember much of that night, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it went. I don't think mom had enough time to smile, the paramedics had said her death came very fast, almost painless, almost immediate.

"It's written all over your face, don't even need my powers," Lisa said, sighing. "Taylor- just, if you need to talk..."

I shook my head. No point. "We both know you're the worst person to talk about this," I said. "Even if you care..."

"Tattletale," she said, smiling without humor. "My mouth writes checks I can't cash, I know," she said frowning. "Still."

"I'll keep it in mind. Anyway, did you-"

"Yes," she said. "We've got an op coming up. We're gonna need muscle. Are you recovered enough?"

I moved my right arm like a windmill. It ached quite a bit. "Depends. Certainly not enough to get ragdolled again," I said.

"We're expecting some resistance, but nothing beyond what Bitch's dogs usually handle - but there's something fishy about the safehouse we're going to hit. I don't like to say it, but, we shouldn't underestimate Skidmark. You don't live long in this city without being clever, not as a supervillain crimelord anyway..."

I nodded. Worst case scenario, Mush would have time to craft a giant golem of garbage around himself and I'd have to duke it out with him. I can swing my sword, and hopefully that's enough. I'll have to stick to mid range and store my strength just in case.

"Is it so odd, that I'm happy? Is it so odd, that I'm glad that you're safe?"

"I love you. No matter what path you choose, I will always love you."

"That is why... this is my only wish... be happy, my child. Go forth without falter. Hold your head up high. Be strong, and live. I wish... for you to live in peace, to live in happiness..."

"I'm happy... and sad... that we must part ways. Remember, my child, that no matter what path you choose, I will support you."

"I love you."

"Different one this time," I muttered, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "What happened?"

"You got hit with a timeloop bomb," someone said, a voice I didn't recognize.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and in a blaze of black smoke and red fire, my sword was in my hand.

"Whoa-there, hold on."

My eyes focused on a blur of white and red. "I don't know who you are, but-"

"Right, right, you can't see shit without your glasses," the female visitor said. They're on- I think- they're on," she muttered, "right, should be under your bed. A bag with the remains of your costume and whatever personal affects we could recover."

While keeping my blade, glowing with power, trained on her, I groped below the bed. There was, indeed, a plastic bag. I retrieved it and dug in to search for my glasses.

I found them and put them on. The right lens had a big crack that would be problematic, but I could still mostly see.

A mousy looking young woman with dark brown hair, holding her hands up, clearly looking a bit more terrified than she sounded. Her costume is familiar to the description I've heard of Panacea. I guess this must be the premier healer herself. Fancy, wouldn't have thought I'd rate Panacea.

"Hey, everyone who helped against the mad bomber is getting special treatment tonight, especially you," she said. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

I shook my head. "Last night I was- well, team stuff you know?"

I hadn't lowered my sword, and she hadn't lowered her arms, so I took the first step, though I did not dismiss it.

She lowered her arms and let her breath go. "Not surprising, that bomb and your powers clashed pretty badly," she said. "Long story short, what Armsmaster was able to explain was that the same field that makes everything around you decay at a faster rate - it's fascinating how that works, by the way - got supercharged by the timeloops, and, well, fucking with space and time is not exactly my forte."

I sighed. "I'll need to get someone to give me a complete rundown later. I'm guessing we went on the planned operation on Bakuda. Were we succesful?"

"Oh, yes. Surprisingly, few wounded. I mean still dozens but, you know," she said, waving her hand. "Ah, I came here personally because... well, I wanted to thank you. Without you, most of my family would be dead, or worse."

Frowning, I looked at my hand. "All I can do is kill things..." I muttered. That was my power. All things around me died. Hell, I summoned a sword made of what my powers recognized as condensed, solidified murder. The very concept of killing, of genocide, of destruction, rolled into a sword and then sharpened. It was made of glass, and so far I had not found anything it could not cut, or anything that would not rot at its touch, except my hand.

"Yes, well," she said, looking a bit flustered, "I wasn't present, personally, but what I'm told is that, ah, without you my mother and sister would both be dead. So, thank you," she said. "If you want, I can look after your remaining injuries?"

I looked at my hand, and the slightly pinkish skin that was the only reminder of whatever battle we had yesterday.

"I'll be right as rain in a couple minutes. Maybe it's better to check up on someone else for now. I need to think..."

Forma lleya, lisami...

Fascineya, sephami...

Ferme elloanyarei, sopha neya mi...

"Sounds odd, huh?" I said, humorlessly.

Lisa yawned. "It's," she took a moment to clear her head, "effective though..." she muttered.

My hand, of its own volition, found its way to her head. Despite the wear and tear induced on it by how ragged we'd been running her, she maintained it impeccably. After all my nagging, she better. "Rest now, okay?"

"Mmmhkay," she muttered, turning over slightly.

" Forma lleya, lisami..."

I was on my knees in an instant, and my throat was sore, burning even. I managed enough strength and awareness to flop onto my side, rather than falling flat on my face. If I am to die, I do not want it to be drowning in my own vomit. I rolled slightly, trying to get away from the nasty smell.

Lung was dead.

I am... happy.

Exhilarated, even.

And this disgusts me more than anything else.

My hands are trembling.

Lisa is holding my hair, and I realize that I'm vomiting again.

"It's okay, you're gonna be okay, you did what you had to do..."

"How many more must it be, before your rage, your hatred, your anger... before your wounded heart, is soothed? No more! It was I who sinned, it was I who caused it all! Sate your vengeance upon me, but touch none of them! Please, I beg of you..! I do not wish to see you in pain, that's why..."

I should.

I should kill her.

I should have killed her.

My brain keeps running on this same loop, even as I watch her scamper away. Terrified. Crying. Blubbering.

Apologizing.

And yet... and yet...

Even those that caused me so many problems. Gave me so much grief.

Why...

Why couldn't I?

This would not have been the first person I killed.

I drained the life out of Lung's body. I slew Oni Lee like a rat.

I ran through Fenja, and split Menja in two when she got careless in her mindless rage over her sister's death.

I had no mercy for Coil, nor did I for the diehard mercenaries who died rather than betray him.

I didn't hesitate when I separated Mannequin into pieces.

My hands didn't tremble when I drowned Burnscar.

So why...

Why couldn't I?

Why couldn't I slay Carol Dallon, just the same as I had them?

Was it because she wasn't a villain, a monster like the rest?

The hero of the people screamed as his life was rent from him, and I showered in his blood with an honest to goodness smile on my face

No... Armsmaster had survived by sheer, dumb luck. I had truly intended to kill him for almost dooming us all in his pursuit for glory against Leviathan, and even worse, blaming me for his immediate defeat.

Had he not attacked me, perhaps... but no, too late for that now.

"I don't understand... why... why couldn't I?"

Lisa was not with me anymore. Yet another thing to thank Carol Dallon for. My best friend, my most loyal retainer... a traitor like all the others...

Again and again... What are allies, but future obstacles?

My head hurts so much.

I am surrounded by corpses. Humans. Beasts.

The Golden Man, the 'God' of the masses, had fallen. As had all the others who stood against me.

None remain. I am truly alone, once again.

My head hurts.

No animal. No plant. Not even the bacteria remain.

Earth Bet. Home.

A barren, dead rock.

My back hits the hard, packed dirt, nearly smooth glass.

I don't know if I'm crying, or if it suddenly started to rain.

Why is it... all over again..

That woman... to go that far... just for this...

I stood before her.

The source.

Mother.

The woman with black hair, broken, beaten, battered - defeated.

The woman with golden hair, broken, beaten, battered - defeated.

Their collaborators, destroyed.

Their servants, killed.

Their dreams, their plans... ruined.

And once more, I stood upon the precipice of the end, as I had before.

Once more, as I recall, I raise my sword.

And yet.

And yet...

Again. And again.

I cannot.

Once again, at my mercy.

And yet, once again, my hands won't move.

In the end...

Whether it be Revya, daughter of Median the Conqueror, the Devourlord, World Eater and killer of Gods...

Or Taylor, daughter of the common man, the Dragon Slayer, The Woman Who Set the Golden Sun...

In the end, I guess I'm the same person through and through.

I cannot, I will not, turn my blade upon my mother. And once more, I am sunk into darkness.

I wanted to try, ah, something different with the Devourlord.

AU where Revya is reincarnated into Taylor by Haephnes in a last ditch effort to redeem her, when Haephnes realized there was a glimmer of hope when Revya hesitated in killing her.