Death is an Inconvenience

Summary: Because it doesn't need to make sense, it just needs to be consistent. Or: Taylor is a Saiyan, somehow, and stupidity is the name of the game.

Brian Laborn, also known as Grue, was a tall, imposing young man. He was well muscled and had the build of a fighter.

He was also getting knocked around like a little bitch by a slip of a girl who was barely half his size. Tall, sure, but she shared more with noodles than she did with him, in terms of musculature.

"Fucking brutes, man," he would later be quoted as saying, as he was hauled into a holding cell.

He'd be broken out not two days later, but that was a story for another time.

"Oh hell no," Brian said, his eyes narrowing as he glared at the new addition to the Undersiders.

"Oh, hey, it's Grue!" his nemesis said.

Shadow Stalker might have nearly killed him, but no one had humiliated him like Saiyan had. He was certainly angrier at her than he'd ever been at Shadow Stalker.

At least every time he had fought Shadow Stalker in melee, he had utterly and completely dominated her, demonstrating his clear superiority in terms of physique and technique.

Saiyan, meanwhile, had outmuscled AND outplayed him at every turn. It was almost as if she was learning his moves while they fought, which was the sort of shit you usually saw in cartoons and videogames. He knew, he'd played enough games with Alec to know the fucker could learn how to play a videogame just from watching someone else play. No more SNK for Brian.

The fact that she grinned when she saw him wasn't good. "Spar?" she asked.

Goddamn, saying no was almost like kicking a puppy. An eager, overly violent and somehow still adorable puppy.

"Okay fine," he finally said.

He got beat up a lot.

"Don't worry," Lisa said, "Coil already agreed to pay for her food. Actually that's kind of the reason why she even joined the team. Also did I tell you we work for Coil? We work for Coil. The food is lovely. Isn't it Taylor?"

Brian frowned, filing that revelation for later. "Really? You joined over food? Are you starving or something?"

"Always," Taylor said.

Three hours later, she had eaten enough food for the Undersiders and most of Rachel's dogs, before finally putting her last plate down and letting out a satisfied sigh. Her belly was almost bulging, though Brian could almost perceive it deflating - she was processing the food that fucking fast.

"Jesus fucking christ," Lisa said. "I'm getting a rundown on your biology - you're not even close to human, you're a goddamn alien "

"Yup!" Taylor said, popping the p. "I'm an alien from this great big red planet called Vegeta! Like King Vegeta! Or Prince Vegeta! I was sent here when I was a little baby, or a toddler can't remember really, in order to purge this planet of all life and then sell it to the highest bidder because we're an entire race of spacefaring planetjackers! But it's okay 'cause mom and dad found me while hiking on some mountain or something but because dad had butterfingers and mom was kind of distracted they accidentally dropped me and I fell down a ravine andIhitmyheadrealhardsoIforgotallmyprogrammingImeanthat'swhatdadsays-"

"BREATHE, WOMAN!" Alec shouted.

Taylor did so. "Ah, uhm, sorry. My friend Emma tells me I become a real chatterbox when I'm excited. Or scared. Or bored. Actually she just says I'm a chatterbox in general since I cannot shut up when-"

Brian cleared his throat.

Blushing brightly, Taylor shut up.

"This is the dumbest thing we've ever done," Alec said.

Rachel glared at him.

"You weren't complaining when we came up with the idea," Brian said.

"Of course. I'm loving every second of it. I'm just saying, it's the dumbest thing we've ever done," he said.

Then all three of them leaped into the air.

Taylor had agreed to teach them how to use Ki. Downside was, she was somehow convinced that they were a troupe of superheroes. Capes and stuff included. So they had to look the part.

Rachel apparently did not want any of it... up until Taylor made an offhand comment that she would be able to learn how to transfer her ki to somebody else. As it turned out, Rachel's powers made her very good at transfering her Ki to her dogs.

And they could learn how to fucking talk using it.

Brian still had trouble processing just how bullshit his fucking alien teammate was.

They were flying through the air. Again, their Alien teammate was bullshit.

Having planned their ballistic arc, they easily landed where they intended when they came back down. Interrupting a robbery of a jewelry store.

Now why Rune was robbing a jewelry store was beyond Grue, but he was way beyond caring, as well. He struck the silly pose he had practiced. "HALT, EVILDOER!"

Alec snickered.

And now he was thankful that sparring was the easiest and quickest way to train their usage of Ki. He was gonna punch Alec later. That made everything a bit more bearable.

Bakuda's superbomb was... well... a super bomb.

It was the size of a house, and apparently packed enough of a punch to level the entire city.

And when the Protectorate tried to disarm it, its timer went from 20 hours to 20 minutes. Then it went to 2.

Needless to say, shit went way, way wrong way fast. Clockblocker could only delay the inevitable.

Brian would not have trouble admitting that he cried when the weird ass alien he had for a teammate walked up to it, enveloped it in a barrier of her ki, and let it go off, with her still inside the shield, as that was the only way she could contain the blast.

And because the world was not done shitting on Brockton Bay, fucking Leviathan came a knocking.

"Well this is wonderful," Grue said, as he lay on a makeshift bed. Panacea couldn't get to him, she was busy with heroes that would be significantly less useful than him in a fight against the Endbringer. Oh, not that his power was all that good for Endbringer fights, but the Ki stuff he'd learned? Being a Blaster was awesome.

Either way, the city was fucked. Leviathan had shrugged off the Undersiders' combined Ki Attack like it was nothing.

Everything was lost... until it wasn't.

There! He knew that Ki! It filled him with hope. It filled him with nostalgia.

"Taylor!" he shouted.

"Aren't you dead?" Alec asked, as he and Lisa, the only two Undersiders still standing, approached Taylor, who floated not very far from Leviathan.

"I am," Taylor said, smiling at them. "Turns out that since I died in an heroic sacrifice and I was a fighter in life, the Guardian of our planet took pity on me and let me keep my body, and made a case to send me for training to this guy named King of the World or something, anyway, so I go to the afterlife, pass the checkpoint - oh by the way the afterlife is real and it's all bureaucracy - and go through this million kilometers long bridge - yes that's literal and yes they use metric in the afterlife - to this super martial arts master's planet - yes - to get training except he's not there and the planet's not there because apparently some guy named Cell blew it up and so I had to lodge a complaint, but before I had to run back all the way to the office and then this guy with pointy hair drops in and turns out he's like my second cousin or something like that and he's a Saiyan like me and he takes me with him to this special afterlife for warrior heroes there was this Olibu guy there he was like super hot anyway so I went to the afterlife for warriors and then I trained with this guy for like six years and I learned so much-"

Alec raised a hand. "Stop. Breathe."

"Taylor, remember the three Cs," Lisa said. "Calm, clear, concise," she said.

Taylor took a deep breath. "Well to make a long story short I went to the afterlife, met this guy from my race, trained with him and learned all sorts of cool stuff. I can transform now!"

"Cool," Alec said. "Now tell me in three words or less: Is that remotely relevant regarding that thing over there?" he said, pointing to where Leviathan was fighting Eidolon.

"Yes it is!" Taylor said.

"Explain, remember Cs," Lisa said.

"Well uh, I'm not sure, unless it's tougher than like, the solar system, I'm fairly sure? Yeah, fairly sure I can kill it in one shot!"

"What? What the fuck?" Alec asked. "Did you just imply you can destroy- "

"The entire solar system? Sure, yeah. This is a small one," Taylor chirped. "Honestly if I'd ever known how to handle my ki properly, if I'd had anyone to teach me other than my pod's pre-recorded files, I would've probably been able to destroy entire cities by the time we met."

"Jesus fucking christ," Lisa said, "You're a living, humanoid hunk of bullshit, you know that?"

Taylor smiled. "Anyway, so," she said. "First, let me show you this fun thing I learned. It's called SUPER SAIYAN!" she shouted, as an aura of golden flames wreathed around her. "It increases my power by a lot!"

"Fiftyfold," Lisa helpfully informed. "Jesus fucking Christ, is this your true power!?" she asked. "Why did I ask that."

"Well it isn't," Taylor said. She then tensed a bit and an explosion of golden wind and bluish lightning kind of shook the clouds and rattled the windows of the bay. "This is a Super Saiyan that has gone beyond a normal Super Saiyan, an Ascended Super Saiyan. I just call it Super Saiyan Two," Taylor explained.

"You just... doubled your power. On top of the previous increase. A hundredfold in total. Please tell me you don't have some other bullshit powerup- of course you fucking do," Lisa said.

Alec chuckled. "Of course she fucking does."

"And this," Taylor said, bending over, "is to go EVEN FURTHER BEYOND!"

"Never. EVER. Powerup into that form again. You caused natural disasters all over the world just by powering up, you- you-"

Brian coughed.

"Well you know," he finished.

"Now, normally," Alexandria said, as she, Eidolon and Legend dropped in, "I would be attempting to bring you people in because of things."

"It has been decided, however, that we really, REALLY don't want to piss off the girl who just casually beat Leviathan like an used rug before obliterating him with a blast that, according to Dragon, contains more energy than she believes the explosion of this entire planet would release."

"Well it turned out that the Endbringer was a lot tougher than we all thought," Lisa said. "Its core had just about as much mass as the continental mass of North America. So... yeah, that was probably warranted."

"In other words," Eidolon said, "we really, REALLY don't want to die. Or provoke the World Destroying Alien into destroying the world. On the other hand... can you go pick a fight with Sciion, perhaps?"

Taylor stroked her chin. "Actually that sounds kinda fun."

"All of those plans... all the sacrifices... every bit of fucked up shit we've ever done..." Doctor Mother said.

Contessa just wept into a corner.

Meanwhile, on a nearby screen, they played the footage of Taylor Hebert and Zion's fight.

It was really strange to think that the Warrior had been convinced to put itself in mortal danger by focusing his 'true' self into a form that could fight toe to toe with the Parahuman known as 'Saiyan', that insisted she was an alien as well. Apparently all they had to do was suggest that putting itself in danger might be fun and exciting.

As it turns out, their fight concluded when Zion literally ran out of energy from a combination of constantly using its available powers. According to Taylor, it was the most fun fight of its life and it died happy.

"IT WAS ALL POINTLESS BECAUSE ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS JUST TALK TO THE FUCKING THING!"

The leader of Cauldron finally collapsed into a heap, before sobbing into her mug of coffee.

"How were we supposed to know it was that stupid!?"

Literally the only reason this exists is because I wanted to write a sort of DragonBall crossover, but the only real idea I had for the premise is 'Saiyan Taylor dies and meets up with Goku in the Afterlife, then gets back to BB for the Leviathan fight because of timey wimey ball shenanigans or dragonball shenanigans or Trunks shenanigans or Whis shenanigans' so I decided, might as well make it crack.

Also yes, Bitch has flying dogs now. She is trying to teach them how to do the fusion dance. It works.

(by the by, while this is from the perspective of the Undersiders, I'd like to note that since Taylor is effectively completely immune to mental trauma due to being a Saiyan (notice how the terrible shit that happens to Goku, Gohan, Goten and Trunks never really affects them in the long run, and even Vegeta kind of shrugged off what must've been years of abuse from Freeza in the end), she and Emma were still friends when Taylor first died, Sophia thinks Taylor is the coolest person ever (a predator so fucking strong that she does not give one iota of a fuck about literally anything Sophia has ever tried to rattle her and brazenly walks about as an open cape with only the promise of retaliation preventing villains from targetting her family), Taylor is still the chatterbox she was before her mom's death because she shrugged off the trauma from that, Danny is in a much better headspace because Taylor is and simply dragged him along... Also the city was on the path to recovery from the actions of stupid people regarding the boat graveyard before Leviathan because the Undersiders were cooperating with the Dockworkers to clear the place out with their OP Ki blasts and super strength)

Incidentally, I've been reading Y'all Are Stupid lately. It is good. Go read it. It contains maximum dorkery and extreme stupidity in a good way. It's in Spacebattles. My current running theory is that the Bitch situation was a jarring tonal shift, but you know what wouldn't be? The Protectorate pretending 'Hellhound' died so they can rebrand her and recruit her into the Wards. So, yeah, I'm calling that!